Sunday, February 21, 2016

Never pick up a Duck in a Dungeon

If you play role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons long enough you will eventually learn the rule "never pick up a duck in a dungeon." Why shouldn't you pick up a duck in a dungeon? The broad smile on the DM's face and the glint in his eye is more than enough to give you pause... They say without words "go ahead and find out..."

As far as I can tell the rule originated with with the card game 'Munchkin' where one of the cards is the 'Curse: Duck of Doom' which says "you should know better than to pick up a duck in a dungeon. Lose 2 levels." Nearly all of the Munchkin cards reference some sort of role playing joke, the Duck of Doom probably being a reference to the tradition of DMs creating horrible horrible and deadly traps that can instantly kill or at the very least seriously maim characters and are triggered by something seemingly random.., like a duck in a dungeon.

In any case, I was running a campaign with a large group of friends. They had just foiled a longstanding plot of the secretive necromancer cult in Pride's Landing but they retaliated by trapping the party inside a nightmare. I knew my friends and their characters decently well so I had a heyday coming up with scenarios and situations that either played to character weaknesses the players' psyche. The tough as nails heavily armoured characters had to use their nonexistant dexterity and swim skills to traverse the wreckage of a sinking ship while a very large unspeakable horror slept lightly in the water beneath them. The scenario freaked them out enough that they bribed me with cookies to let them find a row boat to get to safety. The whimsical players had their whimsy turned on them as they had to escape a Joker-esque 'fun house' and outsmart a five story cat in a game of cat and mouse. The players going into counseling degrees were faced with the pain and sorrow of an NPC they had grown attached to as they tried to release her from her own private nightmare regarding a situation the heroes were too late to prevent just a few sessions beforehand.

They encountered NPCs that they loved and old enemies who they hated and feared. They cowered away from the nightmare wraiths searching for them. Nobody knew what to expect as the rules in a dream were fluid but everyone was having a grand old time... but I saved the best until last.

The party had split up, women going through the pink door and men going through the blue door. The women got a puzzle specifically created just for them. Each part of the puzzle required that the characters work together and use their unique talents to support each other and move forward. They figured it out after a little while and may have bonded over the experience... or maybe not, I don't know. They finished their challenge and had fun doing it.

The men got a challenge specifically designed for them. A large room with a door at the end. The room was completely empty save for a duck sitting in the middle and the door had a duck shaped imprint for a key hole. Their reaction was priceless.

Two of the guys immediately swore.

The third just said, "nope. I'm out yo."

The fourth said. "I turn around and leave."

Our newest player was confused. What on earth was going on?

"It's a duck in a dungeon!" they nearly shrieked, "everyone knows you should never pick up a duck in a dungeon!"

"Why not?" she asked sincerely.

They guys looked at her like she had asked if the sky was really blue. They then regaled us with the horror stories of past campaigns and other campaigns that they had heard of where the dreaded duck was placed in the dungeon. Horrible death traps. Curses of gender reversal. Elaborate and sinister plots put together by sadistic DMs to ensure that the entire party died in terrible terrible ways!

They stayed far away from the duck. "Is it magical? If I cast magic sight do I see if the duck is magical?"

"The duck is not magical. It appears to be just a normal duck."

"Is it an illusion? Can I dispel it as an illusion."

"The duck is not an illusion. It is a real flesh and blood duck."

"Can I talk to the duck?"

"You may talk to the duck."

"Um... Hello?"

"Quack."

"Are you going to kill us Mr. Duck?"

"The duck just looks at you."

This was wonderful. The guys had worked themselves up and were totally freaked out by a duck in the dungeon. The challenge appeared to be simple... all they had to do was place the duck in the duck shaped imprint and the door would open... Or would it? What devious and terrible thing would happen when they picked up the dreaded duck? Would the floor give way? Would the door fall on them? Would the roof cave in?

One of the guys tried the door without the duck, making sure to stick to the very edge of the room making slow movements and always watching the duck. The door was locked and magically sealed.

Eventually one decided he would meet my challenge. With a heavy sigh he said, "I'm going to do it. I'm going to pick up the duck."

The rest of the guys dove for cover raising shields and casting protective spells. This was it.

"You pick up the duck?"

"I pick up the duck."

I smiled broadly. The guys said "oh shoot."

"You pick up the duck but as soon as you do ten enormous giants suddenly become visible and they all thump you with their clubs for..." I grab all the dice I can hold with both hands and smash them into the game board for extra effect.

"I'm dead!" he cried. The others laughed hysterically at his misfortune. "I only have 53 hit points!"

"You take 137 poin-"

"I'm dead!"

"of *nonleathal* damage."

"What?"

"Yeah. Turns out these giants have large inflatable clubs that squeak when they hit things."

"So I'm..."

"Oh you've been flattened into the stone floor but you're not 'dead'..."

"137 points... owwwww."

The guys decided to try diplomacizing the giants. The giants, who had lovely British accents, explained that they were tasked with protecting the duck so that it could never be taken away from its home in the dungeon. When the players asked if they could please borrow the duck to open the door with the promise of returning it right after the giants thought that was a 'smashing' good idea. The guys used the duck to open the door and carried their flattened friend out so that the healer could fix him up again.

The dungeon ended shortly thereafter when they witnessed the temple priest battling a demon on their behalf and then shattered the nightmare to free them.


So... now you know... never pick up a duck in a dungeon.

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